QUESTIONS SEX WORKERS DON’T WANT TO HEAR
When I tell people I am a sex worker, the disclosure of my profession rarely provokes no reaction and it’s often followed by a list of questions. I find many of these questions uncomfortable and disrespectful, and I would rather not be asked them. As a general rule, I would suggest that you think about what the purpose of asking certain questions is. Some questions can be attempts to have a better understanding of our industry, and that’s totally valid, but I feel that most of them are instead just a product of morbid curiosity and a mirror of societal prejudice. At the same time, they also seem to be an attempt to establish whether what a sex worker does is acceptable or not, depending on the answer given. As a second rule, check in with the person you are talking to if they are up for tackling certain topics. Different sex workers have different sensitivities, and there is no better way to know whether a question is appropriate or not than ask them if it’s the right moment for them to talk about it.
Here are some of the questions that burden me the most and I would rather not hear.
What is your real name?
Sex workers don’t use pseudonyms because we want to feel like Hollywood stars, we use them to protect ourselves. Revealing our private identity means exposing ourselves to dangers like blackmailing and stalking. Don’t try to convince us by saying that we can trust you, and respect our need for privacy.
Why are you doing this? You are too smart to be here.
Maybe it’s exactly because I am smart that I am here? Jokes apart, assuming that people who are smart don’t get into sex work indicates a lot of prejudice from your side.
How much do you earn?
It’s a very private and intrusive question. How much I earn should not matter for you, because you shouldn’t judge what I do as more or less acceptable depending on my financial reward.
What is the worst thing that ever happened to you? / What does it feel like to have gross customers?
These questions strays into trauma porn. If something bad happened to me at work, I’d most likely not want to think about it and to be brought back to traumatic images and feelings - and so shouldn’t you.
What does your family say about your job?
This can be a triggering topic for many of us. Sex work is a highly stigmatised job, and many sex workers have to hide what they do. Some might have even fallen out with their families in the cases where they found out. In doubt, it’s better not to ask.
What will you do when you get older?
I feel that this question is based on the assumption that sex work is just a temporary phase. No, mom, this is not a phase. It’s also a reminder of ageism in our society. It’s true that for many types of sex work age influences your income, but it’s not the only industry where this is true. In sports, for example, professional athletes have to stop competing at some point, and I find it remarkable that people don’t go around asking them about their future. If you want an honest answer to this question, climate change is ravaging, so I don’t think I have a long future ahead anyway.
Are you doing this willingly? Is anyone forcing you to do this?
This question indicates a certain prejudice and the idea of sex work as exploitation. First of all, if I was forced to do this, I would certainly not tell a stranger. Asking this puts you as a speaker in a position of moral superiority and saviourism, seeing me as a victim you can help. On top of that, no work in capitalism is purely voluntary. I wouldn’t work if I didn’t have bills to pay, and neither would you.
I know you do this willingly, but what about the ones who get trafficked?
By asking this, you are asking me or any sex worker to be responsible for criminal activities. Conflating sex work with trafficking is flawed. Trafficking exists because of bad migration laws, not because of my existence. As a resource to educate yourself around this topic, I can recommend the specific chapter in the book Revolting Prostitutes by Juno Mac and Molly Smith.
The last point I would like to bring up is not a question, but it’s more of a comment I have heard multiple times. It mostly comes out as an innocent comment, when people try to show support.
I don’t have a problem with what you do.
Frankly, I didn’t ask for your approval. I am aware the intention behind saying something like this is not malicious, but it makes me feel patronised. If you would like to show support for my industry, do it with actions rather than with words, respecting my job, respecting me as a person, and advocating for my rights.